PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
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*stuffing face* sorry i eat a lot when im nervous
‘u know ur eating a candle right?’
yah *points to napkin* u gonna finish that
Just stopped a monk from opening a flower shop.
Only YOU can prevent florist friars.
My Wife’s nickname for me is “Microsoft” because I’m good with computers.
Hold on guys, she’s not done laughing.
roommate: i baked an apple pie
me: did you use my apples?
me: how many
roommate: all of them
me: ALL of them?
me: shut up.
*the earth shakes*
me: the doctors are coming
roommate: which doctors
*god begins to scream*
me: all of them
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*