Radiohead fans, this is for you.
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It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
the #horror is real!
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here