@ThatEricAlper

Radiohead fans, this is for you.

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@rockymomax

PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?

PHARAOH: yes, take this down

SUBJECT: ok

PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird

@hippieswordfish

[1st date]
*stuffing face* sorry i eat a lot when im nervous

‘u know ur eating a candle right?’

yah *points to napkin* u gonna finish that

@imalittleginger

Just stopped a monk from opening a flower shop.
Only YOU can prevent florist friars.

@LosLos__

My Wife’s nickname for me is “Microsoft” because I’m good with computers.

RIGHT HONEY?

Hold on guys, she’s not done laughing.

@Dustinkcouch

roommate: i baked an apple pie

me: did you use my apples?

roommate: yea

me: how many

roommate: all of them

me: ALL of them?

roommate: chill-

me: shut up.

*the earth shakes*

me: the doctors are coming

roommate: which doctors

*god begins to scream*

me: all of them

@junejuly12

I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.

He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.

@GrantTanaka

[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS

@junejuly12

If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.

@6figures__

I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100

@PinkCamoTO

*flashlight under chin*

Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.

*all the adults scream*