RAFIKI: [lifts Simba over head on Pride Rock]
SIMBA: Put me down I am 32 years old

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Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.


7: Dad, why did the Tooth Fairy write me a check?

Me: I don’t know but she needs you to hold on to it until the 15th.


I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.

*wipes chocolate from mouth


*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*

*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*


Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.


It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.


Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.


my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks