I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
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Here’s what I know about girls. If she’s angry, it will pass. If she goes silent, leave the country, change your name & start a new life.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
If your boss says “Correct me if I’m wrong but aren’t you supposed to be in at 8am?” don’t correct them. Its a trap. They hate being wrong.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
[on the phone with my mom]
Me: I think we should get a dog. I really think it would be good to have someone to shower with love and affection right now
Husband: I AM SITTING RIGHT HERE