@DestryBrod

Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.

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@JennyJohnsonHi5

I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.

@KKAlThani

Here’s what I know about girls. If she’s angry, it will pass. If she goes silent, leave the country, change your name & start a new life.

@BlairLoudly

Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.

@katlamcglynn

Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”

@murrman5

sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze

@ANastyGorilla

If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?

@Dr_awfulpants

If your boss says “Correct me if I’m wrong but aren’t you supposed to be in at 8am?” don’t correct them. Its a trap. They hate being wrong.

@MooseAllain

Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.

@NrouteHQ

Me: I wanna be ugly

Genie: you got 3 wishes left

@VisionBored1

[on the phone with my mom]

Me: I think we should get a dog. I really think it would be good to have someone to shower with love and affection right now

Husband: I AM SITTING RIGHT HERE