We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
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i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Tell the colonel to bring it
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”