Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
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I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Venn
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil