‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
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I remember 9 months before I was born, I went to a party with dad and left with mom.
I eat my pizza with a knife and fork because I am from a big family, and you need weapons to protect your food at all times
In the Uk, 50 shades of Gray, isn’t a sexy book, it’s the weather report.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire