[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
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If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet