Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
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Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.