I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
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“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.