At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
You Might Also Like
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
what kind of cook setting is this??
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
saw this in a dream
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.