@McCutty1

*Rains pennies from heaven*
*coins decimate the land
[terrified scream]
‘CHANGE IS IN THE AIR!’

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@juliussharpe

Basically anything you buy at the hardware store looks like you’re getting ready to take hostages.

@pinupteacher

The confused head tilt your dog does but me when someone asks me if I want fries or salad.

@Jandalize

Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.

@iGreenMonk

There are two types of people in this world:

1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once

2)Liars

@Maxine12333

If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.

@MomofTeen

If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.

@BuckyIsotope

That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*

@PinkCamoTO

Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?

@NotNikk

Why I gotta put a seatbelt on but the garbage man can hang off the back of the truck

@Marcmywords2

Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.