Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
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Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
No. YOU-buprofen.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
This was a bad idea all around
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
yes yes a thousand times yes!
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.