@OuterJohn

Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.

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@pauleggleston

Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*

@jonnysun

hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping

@thedad

Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah

@Ristolable

My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”

@mommajessiec

[in the bedroom]

Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.

Me: Okay.

H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*

@DepecheALAmode

I want my funeral to be sad and completely serious. Then right when my coffin starts lowering into the ground the song from Tetris plays.

@jada_captain

*weather drops 2 degrees*

me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas

@morninggloria

Guys can we please civil war somewhere with shade? It’s really hot and some people want to bring their dogs

@LackOfShame

Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?

Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.

Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here

@WhaJoTalkinBout

*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time