@OuterJohn

Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.

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@JohnLyonTweets

Me: I just ran into your brother.

Friend: How’s he doing?

Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.

@MommaWordsIt

Bonnie said I should join the Facebook like she did. Said its good way to get in touch with friends. Lord, at my age I’d need a ouija board

@TheHyyyype

GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop

ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?

GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs

ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap

@notmythirdrodeo

*decides towels smell like mildew

*buys special laundry agent to remove odors

*washes load of towels

*forgets load in washer until morning

*repeat

@fro_vo

you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays

@GingerHotDish

My boss: Do you have Twitter?

Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.

@KieranSoFar

common English mistakes:

-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place

@crimson_n_aqua

Had a discussion with my boss about how lanyards can strangle…. conversation took a turn…. I am either fired or getting a HUGE raise x2

@ohpeetie

[ new burger joint ]

Me: I hear this place has the best burgers in town

Waitress: Yeah, and we make our own ketchup

Me: *leaves*

@KalvinMacleod

WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work