@pauleggleston
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
@OuterJohn
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
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@pauleggleston
@jonnysun
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
@thedad
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
@Ristolable
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
@mommajessiec
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
@DepecheALAmode
I want my funeral to be sad and completely serious. Then right when my coffin starts lowering into the ground the song from Tetris plays.
@jada_captain
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
@morninggloria
Guys can we please civil war somewhere with shade? It’s really hot and some people want to bring their dogs
@LackOfShame
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
@WhaJoTalkinBout
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time