Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
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I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.