Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that's why we never do that.

Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.

*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*

“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”

That’s a really big gun in your pants.

And that’s how you get out of a speeding ticket.

“STOP COPYING ME!”

I yell, as my car spins out of control.

[the Wright brothers before the first flight ever]

Orville: *taking off his shoes*

Wilbur: um what are u doing

Orville: what if i have a bomb

Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:

1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?

I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.

cellphones are ruining the Boyfriend Throwing Pebbles at the Girlfriend’s Bedroom Window industry

[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*

A pop up blocker for coworkers who send you an email and immediately show up at your desk to ask if you got their email.

Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.

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