If Donald Trump becomes president all the immigrants nd their cultures gunna leave nd white people gunna be stuck with their nasty ass food
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
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going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Reasons people get divorced:
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Sometimes you run into people who totally change your life for the better.
Those people are called bartenders
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.