Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.

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If Donald Trump becomes president all the immigrants nd their cultures gunna leave nd white people gunna be stuck with their nasty ass food


Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?

Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.

Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?


If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.


Me: What do you want for breakfast?


Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?


Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*


First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.


Reasons people get divorced:

-irreconcilable differences
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy


Sometimes you run into people who totally change your life for the better.


Those people are called bartenders


FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?

ME: She’s a real queen bee.

FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.

*a faint buzzing from my pocket*

ME: Dude, she’s right here.