@Jessthesav
If Donald Trump becomes president all the immigrants nd their cultures gunna leave nd white people gunna be stuck with their nasty ass food
@ElleOhHell
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
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@Jessthesav
@Seinfeld2000
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
@JohnLyonTweets
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
@jakefromstfarm3
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
@moooooog35
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
@Geestargames
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
@ItsAndyRyan
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
@mommajessiec
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
@MondayPajamas
Sometimes you run into people who totally change your life for the better.
Bartenders..
Those people are called bartenders
@truegritrumble
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.