@ElleOhHell

Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.

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@BlackCatBettie

What’s faster than the speed of light?

A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.

@zoeklar

stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him

@DannyZuker

Daughter is acting so rude I’m not sure she’s even mine. Think my wife may have cheated on me with YouTube’s comments section.

@JohnLyonTweets

“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”

@prttylttleditty

Twitter is where the nerds from highshool shine because we know how to use correct grammar, metaphors, & sarcasm correctly. And we can read.

@JesTurtle

I’m wearing the boxers with the little hearts all over them tonight…. It’s probably not a good night to go to jail….

@Laser_Cat

I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.

@ValeeGrrl

Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams

Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop