Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
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Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.