I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
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Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent