Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
You Might Also Like
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it