@longwall26

Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.

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@chrisdowning

If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.

@iGreenMonk

I touch myself when I think of you
Oh! Wait It’s not what you’re thinking,
I mean I’m mostly scratching my head wondering what I saw in you.

@Tmoney68

Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?

Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.

@naughtywriter2

I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.

@colleen_eileen

Good afternoon. Coworker Z just spotted exiting the bathroom…with a bag of chips. Bless.

@moxieblogger

My kids tell me I drink too much.

It’s funny they don’t make the connection.

@sfreeze6

A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.

@dinokitten

*at adoption center*

“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”

@moxieblogger

If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.