If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
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I touch myself when I think of you
Oh! Wait It’s not what you’re thinking,
I mean I’m mostly scratching my head wondering what I saw in you.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Good afternoon. Coworker Z just spotted exiting the bathroom…with a bag of chips. Bless.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.