My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
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[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
[Hops into ship]
STARLORD: Let’s do this.
“Hey, this is Hannah Baker, and if you’re-”
STARLORD: Crap wrong tape wrong tape
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
me: wow a pegasus
flying horse: actually Pegasus was just one horse we all have different names
me: oh whats yours
flying horse: Pegasus 2
there are 1,013,913 english words but I never could string together any of them to accurately explain how much I want to hit u with a chair