[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
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rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
early stone age tool
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.