[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]

I guess it’s time to shave for summer.

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Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…


“Oh you like this cake? (*Tosses cake out the window*) Oops.” – Game of Thrones


Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.


Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?


Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.

Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.


The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*


Hear me out on this. Limewire Festival. Bands from the early 2000s play mislabeled songs that aren’t actually theirs, tickets available as a .exe with a 70% chance of destroying your computer.


Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground


My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.

Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.


*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”