Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
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“Oh you like this cake? (*Tosses cake out the window*) Oops.” – Game of Thrones
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Hear me out on this. Limewire Festival. Bands from the early 2000s play mislabeled songs that aren’t actually theirs, tickets available as a .exe with a 70% chance of destroying your computer.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”