@BoomBoomBetty

[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]

I guess it’s time to shave for summer.

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@Steelers1972

My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.

@markedly

[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews

@SumukhComedy

Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?

@lawyerthoughts

defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!

@supershayne

[Hops into ship]
STARLORD: Let’s do this.
*inserts mixtape*
“Hey, this is Hannah Baker, and if you’re-”
STARLORD: Crap wrong tape wrong tape

@vangobot

[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training

@bornmiserable

ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses

@ruinedpicnic

me: wow a pegasus
flying horse: actually Pegasus was just one horse we all have different names
me: oh whats yours
flying horse: Pegasus 2

@KardashianReact

there are 1,013,913 english words but I never could string together any of them to accurately explain how much I want to hit u with a chair