[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
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Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Schrödinger’s cookie
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.