@3nymph

[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]

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@KarenLyneButler

I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!

Said by nobody.

Ever.

@WilliamAder

Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?

@SteveDutzy

*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!

@SomthinBoutSara

Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.

Jedi you are not sir

@joemcshutup

Taylor Swift told Vanity Fair she’s not a “clingy, insane, desperate girlfriend” through various voicemails and texts at 3 AM

@davidkenny100

Morgan Freeman: I’m not losing my mind, I’m not losing my mind.

[Morgan Freeman voice]
He was though. He was losing his mind big time

@mjkspeaks

If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.

It’s science.

@NateMorrising

He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.