Enjoyed the Nutcracker tonight.
(The ballet, not my signature sex move.)
[raises hand during kickboxing lesson] when do we get to kick boxes?
[instructor] that’s not what we-
[me] I just hate boxes so damn much
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Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Written versions of audio books.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.