@ibid78

[raises hand during kickboxing lesson] when do we get to kick boxes?
[instructor] that’s not what we-
[me] I just hate boxes so damn much

You Might Also Like

@Bandersnaaatch

Enjoyed the Nutcracker tonight.
(The ballet, not my signature sex move.)

@ariscott

Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”

@PleaseBeGneiss

[lying in bed]

Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women

ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!

@RealDMK

Buy followers?

No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to

@WilliamRodgers

[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]

Bruce: Viagra!

Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-

Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!

Dr: Ok

*Bruce Dies…Hard*

@leftarmisme

Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two

@Jake_Vig

Invention idea:

Written versions of audio books.

@Jamberee13

When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:

@MsCassieDaniels

My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.