[raises hand during kickboxing lesson] when do we get to kick boxes?
[instructor] that’s not what we-
[me] I just hate boxes so damn much

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Enjoyed the Nutcracker tonight.
(The ballet, not my signature sex move.)


Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”


[lying in bed]

Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women

ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!


Buy followers?

No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to


[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]

Bruce: Viagra!

Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-

Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!

Dr: Ok

*Bruce Dies…Hard*


Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two


Invention idea:

Written versions of audio books.


When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:


My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.