My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
You Might Also Like
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
this could fix me
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Sending in my taxes
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me