[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”

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My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.


Please tell me the grounds around mental hospitals have walking trails called psychopaths running through them.


Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.


I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”


How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car


*Eats a Lean Cuisine

*20 minutes go by.

*Devours entire Pizza Hut store…including employees.


I’ve been hitting “remind me later” for about the last 4 years on Adobe.


me: all I know is that to me, you look like you’re having fun, open up your lovin’ arms, watch out here I come

other kids: ok no, you’re not allowed to play red rover anymore


Neighbor: can you watch my dog?

Me: like through your window?

N: no, I meant like-

Me: cause I don’t do that now

N: watc-

Me: okay once


my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees