[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
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If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
just having fun
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
sistine chapel
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”