@internetluke

[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”

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@KentWGraham

My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.

@margolundy

Please tell me the grounds around mental hospitals have walking trails called psychopaths running through them.

@LostFelicia

Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.

@CorkyCrash

I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”

@robfee

How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
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@JohnnyCrash5

*Eats a Lean Cuisine

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*Devours entire Pizza Hut store…including employees.

@gingerfaced

I’ve been hitting “remind me later” for about the last 4 years on Adobe.

@IndecisiveJones

me: all I know is that to me, you look like you’re having fun, open up your lovin’ arms, watch out here I come

other kids: ok no, you’re not allowed to play red rover anymore

@LeBearGirdle

Neighbor: can you watch my dog?

Me: like through your window?

N: no, I meant like-

Me: cause I don’t do that now

N: watc-

Me: okay once

@jonnysun

my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees