@internetluke

[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”

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@fro_vo

“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”

— how the worm got its name

@Shellsterca

*Goes fishing

*Catches Spongebob

*Hangs him on my wall as a trophy

*Too lazy to buy a sponge

*Uses Spongebob to clean toilet

@Cpin42

I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.

@scarfdud

my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it

@Molly_Kats

This vodka tastes strange, kinda like I’m not going to work tomorrow.

@kevnasto

According to my autocorrect, i’m wearing edible pantries

@broken_rhi

I dropped the keys to my jeep between the seat then accidentally locked my hair in the car door if you’re looking for a sophisticated woman with style and grace.

@ToonieLane

When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.

@wolfpupy

first you light 100 candles, then you fall asleep. this ‘burn your house down’ spell works every time

@TheAndrewNadeau

TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.