[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”

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“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”

— how the worm got its name


*Goes fishing

*Catches Spongebob

*Hangs him on my wall as a trophy

*Too lazy to buy a sponge

*Uses Spongebob to clean toilet


I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.


my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it


This vodka tastes strange, kinda like I’m not going to work tomorrow.


According to my autocorrect, i’m wearing edible pantries


I dropped the keys to my jeep between the seat then accidentally locked my hair in the car door if you’re looking for a sophisticated woman with style and grace.


When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.


first you light 100 candles, then you fall asleep. this ‘burn your house down’ spell works every time


TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.