[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
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People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon