Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How did they get kids to pose for oil paintings mine won’t sit still for 4 seconds for a family photo

Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.

I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits

Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*

I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed

Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?

Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”

Me: why are you not drinking your milk?

3: it’s too cow-ey

I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.

Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.

[at condiment counter]

*does shot of ketchup*

Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk

Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again

If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.

cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong

superman: lmao they’re not on wrong

cop:

superman: wait is this wrong

I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.

Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car

I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.

I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka

Me – I can’t find the sea salt.

Wife – It’s next to the paprika.

Me – No it isn’t.

(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)

7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?

Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”

Her: I don’t know the future

On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.

I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”

Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship

Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing

*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these

When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find

Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered

Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.

Every Adele song is about lasagna.

Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.

Me: I need to finish the semester strong

Friend: hey

Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow