@CornOnTheGoblin

[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]

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@notsoevilrick

Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.

@3sunzzz

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.

@portmanteauface

Looking back through old photos I’ve decided the most flattering angle for me is 1997

@iamnotdiddy

The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.

@miss_foofoo

I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.

@TheHatStore

her: wow your armpit is really big

me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer

@dankmtl

Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!

@ShortSleeveSuit

My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist