Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Looking back through old photos I’ve decided the most flattering angle for me is 1997
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist