*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
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PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
girls literally only want one thing..
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS