@jctwritesstuff

*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*

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@OwensDamien

The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.

@Reverend_Scott

COPS: WE’RE COMIN IN

“have a police dog?”

COPS: YES

“only the dog can come in”

COP: BUT-

“my house, my rules”

COP: I guess that’s true

@UncleDuke1969

“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”

@offbeatoliv

Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party

Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party

@skittle624

The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon

@thedad

Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing

@SardonicTart

*Gets on plane*

*Takes out earbuds*

*Untangles earbuds*

*Plane lands*

@lawyerthoughts

court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.

@divyne_mess

Sure I’ll hold your baby,but you should know I dropped my phone like five times today.