@longwall26

*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl

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@SarcasticAlly12

Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.

@2tonbug

Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro

@Matt_The_1st

So much to do right now

*cracks open beer*

So much to do tomorrow

@dafloydsta

ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*

DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR

@AngryBlkManDC

On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.

@Hormonella

General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.

@trilldrone

“911 what’s your em-”

STAMPEDE

“slow down sir”

IN THE GORGE

“sir I’m gonna need you t-”

SIMBAS DOWN THERE

@ThoughtOtter

*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*

@LaLa_Lyds

2020
It’s like running into a wide open field, laden with wildflowers, arms wide, happy and free
And then hitting that invisible electric fence

@emmatheist

Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.