@longwall26

*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl

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@sip_at_home_mom

Finally relating to the moms in the group, but after a few awkward minutes, realized their “magic bullet” was a food processor.

@ScreaminZeman

I only ever learned a couple karate moves, so you could say I know partial arts.

@JasonLastname

I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.

Me: What if the pig eats them?

Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.

@AbbyHasIssues

An old guy at the gym told me I looked like his late wife. I’m hoping he meant while she was alive.

@pmclellan

Somebody wrote “wash me” on my car. I’m so lazy, I just wrote “no” under it.

@KevinFarzad

Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will

@WheelTod

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom

@WilliamAder

If you get a gift from me, there may or may not be a pair of scissors between the wrapping and the gift. I’m gonna need those back.