Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
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Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
“911 what’s your em-”
“slow down sir”
IN THE GORGE
“sir I’m gonna need you t-”
SIMBAS DOWN THERE
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
It’s like running into a wide open field, laden with wildflowers, arms wide, happy and free
And then hitting that invisible electric fence
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.