*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
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me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Me too door. Me too.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.