*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl

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Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.


Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro


So much to do right now

*cracks open beer*

So much to do tomorrow


ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*

DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR


On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.


General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.


“911 what’s your em-”


“slow down sir”


“sir I’m gonna need you t-”



*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*


It’s like running into a wide open field, laden with wildflowers, arms wide, happy and free
And then hitting that invisible electric fence


Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.