*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
You Might Also Like
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.