Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
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Me: *goes to jail for murdering coworkers*
Boss: You’re still coming in early tomorrow, right?
Croutons and cherry tomatoes are the natural enemies of the plastic fork.
Tinder is crazy these days why aren’t you following us yet? 😂😭
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Asked the burd in Krispy kremes for 5 Nutella donuts and she says “have you got any nut allergies” aye pal I’m planning suicide by donut
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
‘Active’ shower gel because I have no idea what active smells like.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.