@dksc4life

Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.

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@humanaaron

[getting a number at a bar]

girl: 1-235-813-2134

Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested

@AngelaEhh

I thought I wanted to get married again.

Then I laughed and remembered why I shouldn’t think.

@_davidlucas_

Calm down, Windows Update. I’ll restart my computer during work time.

@POTerritory

Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,

@ShortSleeveSuit

[excerpt from my failed job application]

MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
??yes
??no
??other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops

@juneohara65

I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.

@snatch_stache

Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.

@shutupmikeginn

My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.