@dksc4life

Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.

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@FredPollack

Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.

@Sickayduh

Me: *goes to jail for murdering coworkers*

Boss: You’re still coming in early tomorrow, right?

@Twisted_Mettle

Croutons and cherry tomatoes are the natural enemies of the plastic fork.

@yoyoha

ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts

@_RyanBryce

Asked the burd in Krispy kremes for 5 Nutella donuts and she says “have you got any nut allergies” aye pal I’m planning suicide by donut

@pleatedjeans

[driving to occult ceremony]

“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”

[2 hours later]

[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER

@_ElvishPresley_

What do we want?!

A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!

When do we want it?!

NOW!

@heatherlou_

These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.