[getting a number at a bar]
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
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Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
I thought I wanted to get married again.
Then I laughed and remembered why I shouldn’t think.
Calm down, Windows Update. I’ll restart my computer during work time.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
[excerpt from my failed job application]
??other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.