@3sunzzz

Raising Twins

Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?

Me: I literally have no idea.

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@Marlebean

“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”

-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.

@Parkerlawyer

My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.

LAUGHING.

When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.

@Super_Cynthia

The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.

@sarcasticmommy4

M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!

@AmishPornStar1

The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.

@Mikecanrant

The baby in the car next to me is either unable to control his arms or hes throwing me gang signs. Im not taking any chances.

*locks doors*

@_gothique

What I’ve learned from Twitter:

1. Men are pervs
2. Women are pervs
3. Cats are pervs

@MikeDrucker

We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?

@DrunksWithGuns

Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?

Cause I just Camelot.