Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
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Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.