Raising Twins

Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?

Me: I literally have no idea.

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“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”

-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.


My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.


When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.


The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.


M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?


The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.


The baby in the car next to me is either unable to control his arms or hes throwing me gang signs. Im not taking any chances.

*locks doors*


What I’ve learned from Twitter:

1. Men are pervs
2. Women are pervs
3. Cats are pervs


We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?


Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?

Cause I just Camelot.