“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
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them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.