RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
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I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
I think this cat is broken
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…