@TheAlexNevil

Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!

You Might Also Like

@BruceForce

I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.

@ok_girlfriend

when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you

@IamJackBoot

My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.

@NewDadNotes

[spelling bee]

Judge: your word is cartograph

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

Judge: the world cartograph has seven seas

Me: C-C-C-C-C-C-C-A-R-T-O-G-R-A-P-H

@envydatropic

You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector

@jimmytorosian

Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”

Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”

Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”

@fro_vo

SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then

@LeahTiscione

What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!

@brichie13

“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*