Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
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almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
The options really are this bad
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up