@mattZillaaaa

Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.

You Might Also Like

@ElayneBoosler

My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.

@RiotGrlErin

Nobody:

Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.

@bencoffeehall

I joined a Cold War reenactment group. We just sit around and act nervous about the USSR.

@TheAlexNevil

I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.

Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.

@autumnsays_

I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*

@Marlebean

Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas

@JessObsess

Him: sex tonight?

Me: Work put me in a bad mood

Him: tomorrow?

Me: I have a headache tomorrow

@aotakeo

friend: i just had an edible

me: you can just say food

@runawaycupcake

Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired