Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
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I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE