Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
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One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.