Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.

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Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have snacks in your purse.


Capitalization can really change a sentence.


I love to eat candy.

I love to eat capitalization.


Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.

Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.


Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.


Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.


Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.


Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.


I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.


I’m opening up a restaurant called: I Don’t Care, Where Do You Wanna Go?