@mattZillaaaa: Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
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@markleggett: Celebrities are so rich because they save money every time they attend a movie premiere for free.
@AJslackie2: Her: i'm in the mood Me: me too Her: wanna do it Me: oh yeah baby [we drive to Home Depot to look at paint]
@PhuckinCody: [starbucks] BARISTA: can i get a name? ME: sure. you look like a Tiffany BARISTA: no i mean a name for the order ME: oh! we'll call this "the most important order of the day"