Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
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That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.