Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
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Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
💻🤡