This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
You Might Also Like
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.