@GimpySunshine

ran out of deodorant this morning, so I spritzed on some windex. Now birds keep crashing into my armpits 🙁

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@wheatnik

My bucket list is just the words “afford things” written in orange crayon on a paper towel.

@I_am_carbs

[police lineup]

COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card

ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?

WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer

@trumpetcake

MY NANA WAS A FREAK IN THE SACK. Now granted, we didn’t stuff her in that sack often, but boy would she freak out when we did.

@sophielou

Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”

@TheBoydP

Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.

@eddiepepitone

I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.

@Thynebear

I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another

@Freudianscript

*Maybe try dressing up as SpongeBob this Halloween, since you’re so self absorbed.*

-Me as a therapist

@Lisa_Laughs_

I wasn’t trying to break you up, but she asked me what I did last night, and your name came up. *shrugs