ran out of deodorant this morning, so I spritzed on some windex. Now birds keep crashing into my armpits 🙁

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My bucket list is just the words “afford things” written in orange crayon on a paper towel.


[police lineup]

COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card

ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?

WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer


MY NANA WAS A FREAK IN THE SACK. Now granted, we didn’t stuff her in that sack often, but boy would she freak out when we did.


Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”


Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.


I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.


I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another


*Maybe try dressing up as SpongeBob this Halloween, since you’re so self absorbed.*

-Me as a therapist


I wasn’t trying to break you up, but she asked me what I did last night, and your name came up. *shrugs