No, he would not have.
You Might Also Like
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.