@minealone6

Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves. Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes in the bathroom.

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@38percentsure

“I’m half black and I’m trying to decide who I want to have kids with. Do I want them to have every advantage in life, or be able to dance?”

@truegritrumble

Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?

@JDBooie

Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.

@BakedBrotatoes

[Judas standing alone waiting to be picked for dodgeball]

-Come on it was one time guys

*Jesus drags the CPR dummy to his side of the gym*

@ElizaBayne

Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side

@ObscureGent

Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.

@3sunzzz

I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.

@BradBroaddus

I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.

@omgthatspunny

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

@LilFlaOrange30

I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.