Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
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No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
what my late-night hot pocket sees
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?