Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
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This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
ugh not again
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow