Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
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Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
when you are just born a rebel
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Some people were born into their job.
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911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.