Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
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Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Put the is in disheveled
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.