Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
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I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.