She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
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it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.