@PetiteRainCity
@LurkAtHomeMom
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
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@LurkAtHomeMom
@LackOfShame
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
@HatfieldAnne
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
@DaddyJew
Me: I’ll have a beer
Waiter: it’s 10am
Me: I’ll have a beer and some scrambled eggs
@drinksmcgee
Jurassic Park (1993)
A ragtag gang of dinosaurs attempt a wacky prison break after an evil businessman tries to force gender roles on them.
@squirrel74wkgn
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
@BillMc7
Been coughing all day. Can’t seem to stop. Guess I should go see a movie.
@SexyNoahCyrus
@sofarrsogud
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
@DrainBamagedHD
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!