Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
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Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Running from your problems is cardio .
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
You deplete me