@PetiteRainCity

Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.

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@LurkAtHomeMom

My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.

@LackOfShame

Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.

Me: You first, pal.

@HatfieldAnne

If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.

@DaddyJew

Me: I’ll have a beer

Waiter: it’s 10am

Me: I’ll have a beer and some scrambled eggs

@drinksmcgee

Jurassic Park (1993)

A ragtag gang of dinosaurs attempt a wacky prison break after an evil businessman tries to force gender roles on them.

@BillMc7

Been coughing all day. Can’t seem to stop. Guess I should go see a movie.

@DrainBamagedHD

Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!