@Brampersandon_

RANGER: Remember, don’t feed the bears

ME (being attacked by a grizzly): OH GOD HE’S RIPPING ME APART!

RANGER: What did I just say!?

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@AmishPornStar1

If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…

Maybe he’s not the only idiot.

@Fred_Delicious

Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”

@OBiiieeee

i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing

@imchriskelly

Someone just tweeted something vague that made me think a celeb had died so I googled “dead.” No dice! Thank god—hang in there, celebs!

@CrisMtzgr

People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.

@RexHuppke

My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”

Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.

@JesKeepSwimming

I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.

@squirrel74wkgn

You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.