RANGER: Remember, don’t feed the bears

ME (being attacked by a grizzly): OH GOD HE’S RIPPING ME APART!

RANGER: What did I just say!?

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If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…

Maybe he’s not the only idiot.


Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”


i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing


Someone just tweeted something vague that made me think a celeb had died so I googled “dead.” No dice! Thank god—hang in there, celebs!


People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.


My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”

Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.


I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.


You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.