Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
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We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Living the best life.. 😊
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.