a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.