Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot

I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure

There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.

Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?

Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally

I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.

STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it

Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”

Me: how d’ya like them apples?

Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*

It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.

Seems legit.

Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.

If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?

Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.

I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.

My reactions

1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.

And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…

This 4th of July, please remember…

Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”

Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~

*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*

Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”

Client: “Oh I don’t have one”

Me *blinking intensely*

My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.

I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.

Her : I like you

Me : You’re mistaken

Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?

14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.

He’s been off for 17 days.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly

Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.

I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out

When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.

Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!

*putting 4 to bed*

Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?

4: no

Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow

4: no, I won’t do that

Me:

4:

Me: ok, good talk

4: no

John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice

Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-

John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE