*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
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My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
*me flirting
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
My life coach traded me.
I hope this email finds you in a well
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
consequences, the bane of my existence