*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
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My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
is nasa ok
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’