[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
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Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
In Canada they just call them geese
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.